Our Beginning

Maddy and Kelly finally called it quits in March of ’95. I can’t say that I was sad about it.

I had broken up with Lyn early March, and she had immediately started dating my (former) best friend. I can’t say I was torn up or anything. I knew it had been coming. We had spent months trying to make it work, but it just wasn’t.

Maddy was a mess all spring. Her and Kelly were on and off and  on and off again. She was a wreck when Kelly started dating Jimmy in March. Kelly strung her along for months, half the year. I don’t even know how often the  broke up and got back together. Kelly told Maddy she loved her, but I don’t think Kelly was actually okay with it. If you’re not okay with loving someone, can you actually love them?

Anyhow, it was another few weeks before Maddy had made a semi-clean break from Kelly.

We grew close quickly. We started spending a lot of time together. We would talk until  all hours of the night. Come late spring, we figured dating was the next logical step.

It’s amazing how much a teenager’s mind lacks logic, but who knew that then.

Don’t get me wrong. It was sweet. It was as perfect as a high school relationship could be. It was flowers in the morning at school. It was a nice inscribed ring for Christmas. It was long notes when we were apart. It was sneaking out to kiss in the moonlight. Holding hands in the halls. It was all those things that make it sound perfect.

I don’t think it was wrong. I wouldn’t change a thing, I just know that it wasn’t the Camelot we sometimes thought it could be.

Filed under: Private, break, breakup, dating, girlfriend, lesbian, love, Maddy, moments, romance, up

Stephen

Now Stephen had been back for the summer from college at Bay State, but after Kelly’s accident he skipped town. The last time Maddy or I had seen him was before everything that happened that night Kelly died.

He came back, though. About a week before going back to school.

The day after that fight it was as if nothing had happened, but she was gone. It was over. The next week sped by, and she spent a lot of time with Stephen. She was going off to join him at Bay State, he was helping her pack.

She was so mad at me, we didn’t even say goodbye. About a month into the semester I heard she was dating Stephen.

Here’s the thing. I knew it was coming, the end of our relationship. I was ready for it. It stung more than I was ready for, though. We didn’t talk for almost a year after that.

Filed under: Private, boyfriend, college, freshman, love, romance, sex, Stephen

The End

It was late in the summer, we were struggling. Both of us were going away to college in a week. We sat side by side on this precipice over looking the next chapters of our lives. We sat side by side, but we knew our journeys would lead us away from each other.

We fought that night. It was related to going away, going off to college. She had proposed this idea of running away and getting married. I think it was anything to hold on, anything to not move forward.

I walked out on her. I did. She wanted to get married and I walked out on her.

Have you ever done something that seems absolutely horrible, but known it was the only choice you had at the time?

We were 18 for god’s sake. We were fighting about everything.

Filed under: Private, lesbian, love, Maddy, queer, rachel, romance, story

Defining Moments

I have an internal debate over wether moments define us, or we define moments.

Career wise, specifically, if you’re lucky you get to have that moment where you realize what you want to do for the rest of your life and you go out and do it. On a personal level, you might be lucky enough to realize what you want in a relationship and get it. If you’re queer it may be the moment you realized that you were attracted to people you weren’t supposed to be, or you weren’t who you were supposed to be.

But do we define the moments or do they define us?

Filed under: Private, defining, end, girlfriend, lesbian, love, Maddy, moments, point, queer, rachel, romance, story, tipping

That Summer Night

That night. It is forever emblazoned in my mind. It is a memory I share with a few people, and yet our views are all so different.

It was a party on the far side of the reservoir. A pre-graduation party. Everyone was there. Maddy and I were there with Stephen. Kelly was there with her boyfriend, Jimmy.

Filed under: Private, kelly, lesbian, love, rachel, romance

The Friendship

We were just good friends when the whole thing started.

I found out over winter break that Maddy and Kelly were a couple. I was ecstatic. I wasn’t the only one, I wasn’t alone.

Filed under: Private, first, kelly, lesbian, love, Maddy, meeting, rachel, romance